Category: halloween jokes for adults clean

Halloween jokes for adults clean

A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her. So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, “I have a question I need to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”Halloween jokes for adults clean

The nun replies, “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,Halloween jokes for adults clean you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”Halloween jokes for adults clean

Halloween jokes for adults clean

The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, “Well it’s like this; I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me.”Halloween jokes for adults clean

Halloween jokes for adults clean

The nun replies, “Ok well, let’s see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though – firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, yes! I am single and I’m Catholic too!”

The nun then says, “Ok then, pull into the next alley.”

Halloween jokes for adults clean

The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry.

The nun sees this and asks him, “My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?”

Halloween jokes for adults clean

The cab driver says, “You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you – I must confess that I’m married and I’m also Jewish.”Halloween jokes for adults clean

The nun laughs and says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”

Halloween jokes for adults clean


I just popped over to my Grandma’s, and you’ve got to hand it to her. At 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, Halloween jokes for adults clean cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.Halloween jokes for adults clean

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer… I’ll pop back next year.

Halloween jokes for adults clean

Best And Top 10 Halloween Adults Jokes

Halloween Jokes for you to enjoy ! Share a joke with someone

Halloween Adults Jokes

Captain Ghost
And all his crew,
Let me crack
A joke on you!

Like all other occasions, Halloween also has its fair share of jokes and jesting. Here we have some really cool Halloween jokes for you. Enjoy these witty one-liners and share them with your friends in WhatsApp, Facebook, Twitter etc. If Captain Ghost makes a visit, don’t be scared. Share these with him. He’ll love it too.

Here are some happy Halloween Jokes for you. Hope you will like them.

 

Here are some happy Halloween Jokes for you. Hope you will like them.

Why do skeletons have low self-esteem?
They have no body to love

Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the Boos.

Halloween Adults Jokes

The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it. What is it?
A coffin.

What do you call a witch’s garage?
broom closet.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Why don’t mummies take time off?
They’re afraid to unwind.

Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
Because he had bat breath

What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite.

Halloween Adults Jokes

What is an optimistic vampire’s favorite drink?
B Positive.

Halloween Adults Jokes

What are ghosts’ favourite streets?
Dead ends

Who are some of the were-wolves cousins?
The What-wolves and the When-wolves.

Halloween Adults Jokes

What happens when two vampires meet?
It’s love at first bite!

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. HAHAHA!!
What happens when you say boo to a ghost? He gets SHEET Scared.

Halloween Adults Jokes

What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
You suck.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Why dont mummies go on vacation?
They are afraid they might unwind.

What did one ghost say to the other?
Get a life!

Where do they make werewolf movies?
In Howlywood!

Halloween Adults Jokes

When do werewolves go trick or treating?
Howl-o-ween!

How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down!

Halloween Adults Jokes

Where do werewolves hate to shop?
Flea markets!

I see dracula has been rearranging furniture with his teeth. He is doing a bit of fang-shui
I woke up on the middle of the night. Some ghost was standing over my bed. Before I could scream, he asked, “What’s your wifi password?”

Halloween Adults Jokes

Dracula wanted to know which of his bats was the best. So he organized a little competition. The bat which would drink more blood in less time than others would be the winner.
The first bat went and came back after 10 minutes. Its mouth was full of blood. Dracula was impressed. He asked, “Nice, how did you do it?” The bat said, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went inside and drank the blood of all the family.” Dracula said, “Very good”.

Halloween Adults Jokes
The second bat went and came back after 5 minutes. He too had blood on all his face. Dracula was shocked, “How did you do that?” The bat said, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a hotel. I went inside and drank the blood of all the guests.” Dracula said, “Fantastic”.
Now the third bat went and came back just after 1 minute. There was blood on all his body. Dracula couldn’tbelieve his eyes, “How did you do that?” The bat said, “Do you see that tower?” Dracula said, “Yes”. And the bat said, “I didn’t see it”.

Halloween Adults Jokes

A woman was leaving a cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?” The woman replied, “Well, that first hearse is for my husband.” “What happened to him?” The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.” She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?” The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.” A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. “Can I borrow the dog?” “Get in line!”

Halloween Adults Jokes

Halloween Adults Jokes

Did you hear about the chopper that crashed in the cemetery? Search and rescue workers have recovered 100 bodies and expect that number to climb as digging continues.

The cemetery up the hill is really popular. People are dying to get in.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.” The man replies, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then dresses like a pumpkin and sits on Boss’ desk. The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?” The

Halloween Adults Jokes

woman replies, “I’m a jack-o-lantern.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where do you think YOU are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

Halloween Adults Jokes

What happened to Frankenstein’s monster on the road?
He was stopped for speeding, fined $50 and dismantled for six months.

How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?
If it’s a good one you will be able to talk about it later!

Halloween Adults Jokes

How do you communicate with the Loch Ness Monster?
Drop him a line.

How do you address a monster?
Very politely.

Bill: Why did the policeman ticket the ghost?
McKenzie: Why?
Bill: It didn’t have a haunting license.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Brett: What do mummies like listening to on Halloween?
Brent: I don’t know.
Brett: Wrap music!

Halloween Adults Jokes

Sarah: What are a ghost’s favorite rides at the fair?
Brian: Tell me.
Sarah: The scary-go-round and rollerghoster!

Halloween Adults Jokes

Everett: What’s a ghoul’s favorite game?
Francisco: What?
Everett: Hide-and-ghost-seek.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Q: What directions did the ghost give the goblin?
A: “Make a fright turn at the corner.”

Joshua: What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Belia: What?
Joshua: Bamboo.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Aidan: What is a ghost’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Taylor: What?
Aidan: Boo and Gold.
Aidan: What is a witch’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Taylor: I give up.
Aidan: Brew and Gold.
Aidan: What is a werewolf’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Taylor: What?
Aidan: Pack meetings, of course!

Halloween Adults Jokes

Doctor: Who’s my next patient?
Nurse: Mr. Ghost.
Doctor: Tell him I can’t see right now.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Once, there were 2 guys sitting in a living room. One man says to the other,
“I would rather live with a vampire than my wife!”
and the other man says “Why?” He says,
“Because she’s always trying to bite my head off!”

Halloween Adults Jokes

The angry female ghost seems to state, “I’ve had it! In the middle of the night he turns on the television,
moves things from one place to another, and makes weird noises.”
Funny, nay? By the way, how did I realise who’s a female ghost? Well,
simply look out for the most adorable eyelashes ever.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Bruce: What is a vampire’s favorite dance?
Kevin: I don’t know. What?
Bruce: The Fang-Dango.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Max: What are a ghost’s favorite rides at the fair?
Bill: Tell me.
Max: The scary-go-round and rollerghoster!

A ghost had been staying in a bed and breakfast hotel and when he came down for dinner he asked the waitress, “Please can I have two eggs, one tough and one rubbery, really tough bacon and burned, fried bread?”
The waitress said, “Sir, we really can’t serve that kind of horrid food here.”
The ghost replied, “Well, you did yesterday!”

Halloween Adults Jokes

Patient: Doctor, I think that I’ve been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.¬
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.

Halloween Adults Jokes

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost as they
drove down the street?
Buckle your sheet belt!

Race: Why don’t ghosts like rain on Halloween?
Harvey: Why?
Race: It dampens their spirits!

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap -tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. “Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?” “Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”

Halloween Adults Jokes

Q: Why are vampires tough to get along with?
A: Because they can be pains in the neck!
Q: What do you call a single vampire?
A: A bat-chelor.

Halloween Adults Jokes
Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have a kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

Halloween Adults Jokes
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, “Great Keith Richard’s mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or …” and can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives/ex-husbands live.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. “And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?”
The first vampire said, “I’ll have a mug of blood.” The second vampire said, “I’ll have a mug of blood.” The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, “I’ll have a glass of plasma.”
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, “Two bloods and a blood light”.

Halloween Adults Jokes

woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

Halloween Adults Jokes
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I’m the Devil!” she responded.
“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister!”

Halloween Adults Jokes

Q: What did the really ugly man do for a living?
A: He posed for Halloween masks!

Halloween Adults Jokes

Q: What is a childs’s favourite type of Halloween candy?
A: Lots a candy!

Halloween Adults Jokes

A few days after Halloween, Sally came home with a bad report card. Her mother asked why her grades were so low.
Sally answered, “Because everything is marked down after holidays!”

Q: What do ghosts eat for breakfast on Halloween?
A: Shrouded Wheat. Ghost Toasties. Scream of Wheat. Terr-fried eggs. Rice Creepies.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie body home?

Halloween Adults Jokes

Peter: Do you like the vampire?
Jack: Yes, it was love at first bite!

Q: Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
A: In a blood bank.

Halloween Adults Jokes

 

David: Which ghost is the best dancer?
Joseph: I don’t know.
David: The Boogie Man!

Halloween Adults Jokes

Q: How do monsters tell their future?
A: They read their horrorscope.

Two monsters went to a party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”
“Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”
Halloween Adults Jokes

The young ghost went trick or treating.
A nighbor asked her, “Who are your parents?”
“Deady and Mummy,” she answered.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Martin: What is a ghost’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Bryan: What?
Martin: Boo and Gold.
Martin: What is a witch’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Bryan: I give up.
Martin: Brew and Gold.
Martin: What is a werewolf’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Bryan: What?
Martin: Pack meetings, of course!

Q: What do call the ratio of a jack-o-lantern’s circumference to it’s diameter?
A: Pumpkin π.

Halloween Adults Jokes
Halloween Adults Jokes

Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
A: Hope it’s Halloween…

Halloween Adults Jokes

Q: What do call the ratio of a jack-o-lantern’s circumference to it’s diameter?
A: Pumpkin π.

Q: What did the daddy ghost say to his son?
A: Don’t spook until spooken to!

Halloween Adults Jokes

Advic to a witch on a broomstick: “Don’t fly off the handle!”
Halloween Adults Jokes

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Bea.
Bea who?
Bea-ware, tonight is Halloween!

Halloween Adults Jokes

On the morning of Halloween, the teacher told the class, “We’ll have only half a day of school this morning.”
The children cheered.
Then she said, “And we’ll have the second half this afternoon.”
This time the children moaned!

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