Category: Halloween Jokes

Halloween Jokes

Captain Ghost
And all his crew,
Let me crack
A joke on you!

Like all other occasions, Halloween also has its fair share of jokes and jesting. Here we have some really cool Halloween jokes for you. Enjoy these witty one-liners and share them with your friends in WhatsApp, Facebook, Twitter etc. If Captain Ghost makes a visit, don’t be scared. Share these with him. He’ll love it too.

Here are some happy Halloween Jokes for you. Hope you will like them.

Why do skeletons have low self-esteem?
They have no body to love

Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the Boos.

The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it. What is it?
A coffin.

What do you call a witch’s garage?
broom closet.

Why don’t mummies take time off?
They’re afraid to unwind.

Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
Because he had bat breath

What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite.

102 Silly Halloween One liners and Jokes for Kids

Halloween One Liners

I accrued these up for my granddaughters, but I thought I proportion them here with you all too.My granddaughters asked me if I could print those out for them to take to school for his or her Halloween celebration. Which I did and made them into little booklets one for every in their classmates. This gave me the idea to make up those little booklets for the trick or treaters too.

Halloween One Liners

1)Q: What are the days of the vampire week?

A:Moonday, Toothday, Veinsday, Thirstday, and Frightday.

2)Q: What’s a vampire’s favorite fast food?

A: A guy with very high blood pressure

3)Q: What is a vampire’s favorite mode of transportation?

A: A blood vessel

4)Q: Why are vampires stupid?

A: Because they are all suckers.

5)Q: Why are vampire jokes bad?

A: Because they are a pain in the neck

6)Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

A: Frostbite

7)Q: What type of pet dog do vampire’s like the best?

A: Bloodhounds

8)Q: What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?

A: A stake sandwich

9)Q: Where does a vampire have lunch?

A: At the casketaria

Halloween One Liners

halloween one liners

Halloween One Liners

10)Q: What surgery does a vampire doctor perform?

A: Fly by night operations

11)Q: Why did the dyslexic vampire starve to death?

A:He couldn’t find any doolb.

12)Q: Did you hear about the unsuccessful vampire hunter?

A: He tried to kill a vampire by driving a pork chop through

its heart because steaks were too expensive.

13)Q: Why do vampires need mouthwash?

A: They have bat breath

14)Q: What is a vampire’s favorite sport?

A:Casketball…

15)Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a werewolf?

A:A fur coat that fangs around your neck…

16)Q: What is a vampire’s favorite holiday?

A: Fangsgiving…

17)Q: What is Transylvania?

A:Vampire’s terror-tory.

18)Q:Where does a vampire water ski?

A: On Lake Erie.

19)Q: Why was the Baby vampire scared to go to the bathroom?

A: Because he was scared of the light.

20)Q: Where do vampires store their money?

A: In a blood bank.

Halloween One Liners

21)Q: What does a vampire fear most?

A: Tooth decay.

22)Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account?

A: At a blood bank.

23)Q: Who did the vampire take to the prom?

A: His ghoul friend.

24)Q: Why couldn’t the vampires wife get to sleep?

A: Because of his coffin.

Halloween One Liners

25)Q: What tree does the vampire love the best?

A:A ceme-tree.

Halloween One Liners

halloween one liners

Halloween One Liners

26)Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?

A: To get to the body shop!

27)Q: What do you say to a skeleton going on vacation?

A: Bone voyage!

Halloween One Liners

28)Q: What skeleton was a famous detective?

A: Sherlock Bones.

29)Q: What do you call a skeleton who won’t work?

A: Lazy bones.

Halloween One Liners

30)Q: What is a skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?

A: A trombone.

31)Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

A: Because he didn’t have the guts!

Halloween One Liners

32)Q: What do you say to a skeleton before he eats?

A:Bone appetit!

33)Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go out on the town?

A: Because they don’t have any body to go out with…

34)Q: Why can’t a skeleton have fingers more than 11 inches long?

A: Because 12 inches is a foot.

Halloween One Liners

35)Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?

A: No Body.

36)Q: Who was the most famous French skeleton?

A: Napoleon Bone-apart.

37)Q: What do you give a skeleton for Valentine’s Day?

A: Bone-Bones in a heart shaped box.

38)Q: What did the skeleton say while riding his?

Harley Davidson motorcycle?

A: I was bone to be wild.

39)Q: What did the skeleton say to the vampire?

A: You suck.

40)Q: What did the skeleton order at the restaurant?

A: Spare-ribs.

Halloween One Liners

41)Q: How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?

A: With scare spray.

Halloween One Liners

42)Q: Why do witches use brooms to fly on?

A: Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy…

43)Q: Why do witches fly on broomsticks?

A: Because vacuum cleaners don’t have long enough cords.

Halloween One Liners

44)Q: Why don’t witches ride their brooms when they’re angry?

A: They’re afraid of flying off the handle!

45)Q: What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?

A: A sand-witch.

Halloween One Liners

46)Q: What do people say to the parents of twin witches?

A: Which witch is which?

47)Q: How do you make a witch scratch?

A: Take away the W.

48)Q: What was the witches favorite subject in school?

A: Spelling.

49)Q: What do you call the witches garage?

A: The broom closet.

50)Q: Which story do the little witches like to hear at bedtime?

A: Ghoul Deluxe and the 3 scares.

51)Q: What did the ghost buy for his Haunted House?

A: Home Moaners Insurance.

52)Q: What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?

A: Fasten yoursheet belts.

53)Q: What are ghosts favorite music?

A: Haunting melodies.

54)Q: What do ghosts eat for dinner?

A: Spok-etti.

Halloween One Liners

55)Q: What do short-sighted ghosts wear?

A: Spook-tacles.

Halloween One Liners

56)Q: What do you call a drunken ghost?

A: A methylated spirit.

57)Q: Who does a female ghost see on a Friday night?

A: Her Boo-friend.

58)Q: What do you get when you cross a ghost with an owl?

A: Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot.

59)Q: What did one ghost say to the other ghost?

A: “Do you believe in people.”

Halloween One Liners

60)Q: What did one ghost ask another?

A: Do humans exist?

61)Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch?

A: A BOO-logna sandwich.

Halloween One Liners

62)Q: Why was the little ghost stupid?

A: Because he climbed over walls.

63)Q: What do ghosts serve for dessert?

A: Ice Scream.

64)Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?

A: Bam-boo.

Halloween One Liners

 

65)Q: What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?

A: Boo boos.

66)Q: Who is a famous ghost detective?

A: Shelock Moanes.

67)Q: Why did the ghost go to the bar?

A: For the boo-ze.

68)Q:What do you call a ghost that gets too close to a bonfire?

A: A toasty Ghosty.

Halloween One Liners

69)Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?

A: He is mist.

Halloween One Liners

70)Q: Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?

A: Anywhere he can Boo-gie.

71)Q: Where do ghosts live?

A: In a far distant terror-tory.

72)Q: When the male ghost met the female ghost…?

A: It was love at first fright.

73)Q: What’s the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?

A: They boo-kle their seatbelts.

Halloween One Liners

74)Q: Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

A: To the dayscare center.

75)Q: What is a ghost’s favorite mode of transportation?

A: A scareplane.

Halloween One Liners

76)Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?

A: Don’t spook until your spooken to.

77)Q: What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?

A: Booberries…

Halloween One Liners

78)Q: Why do ghosts like tall buildings?

A: `Cos they have a lot of scarecases.

79)Q: Why did the ghost go the the doctor?

A: To get his Boo-ster shot.

80)Q: When does a ghost need a license?

A: During Haunting season.

Halloween One Liners

81)Q: What is a Mummies’ favorite type of music?

A: Wrap!!!!!

82)Q: Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?

A: They’re so wrapped up in themselves.

Halloween One Liners

83)Q: Why do mummies make excellent spies?

A: They’re good at keeping things under wraps.

84)Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor?

A: Because he was coffin.

Halloween One Liners

85)Q: Where do mummies go for a swim?

A: To the dead sea.

86)Q: What do you call a friendly dead Egyptian?

A: A chummy mummy.

87)Q: Who goes to the monster’s PTA?

A: Mummies and Deadies.

88)Q: What do you do when 20 monsters surround your house?

A: Hope it’s Halloween!

89)Q: What kind of streets do monsters like the best?

A: Dead ends and Skull-the-sacs.

Halloween One Liners

90)Q: Do monsters eat popcorn with their fingers?

A: No, they eat the fingers separately…

91)Q: Why did the monster eat a light bulb?

A: Because he was in need of a light snack.

92)Q: Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?

A: Have you ever tried to iron a monster?

93)Q: How do monsters know their future?

A: They read their HORRORSCOPES.

Halloween One Liners

94)Q: What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?

A: A wash and wear wolf.

95)Q: What’s a monsters favorite play?

A: Romeo and Ghouliet.

96)Q: What monster flies his kite in a rainstorm?

A: Benjamin Frankenstein.

Halloween One Liners

97)Q: What happened to the guy who couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist?

A: He was repossessed.

98)Q: What do Italians eat on halloween?

A: Fetuccini A-fraid-o.

99)Q: What’s a haunted chicken?

A: A poultry-geist.

Halloween One Liners

100)Q: What game do little cannibals like to play at parties?

A: Swallow the leader.

101)Q: What do you call someone who puts poison in a person’s

corn flakes?

A: A cereal killer…

102) Q: Why are demons and ghouls always together?

A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend.

 

Halloween One Liners

 

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Halloween One Liners

Halloween One Liners

Dirty Halloween Jokes Ever Which Will Make You WET!

Halloween One Liners

Halloween One Liners

Halloween jokes for adults 2018 !!!!!

Halloween One Liners

Halloween One Liners

Black Cat Halloween Quotes 2018

Halloween One Liners

 

Best And Top 10 Halloween Adults Jokes

Halloween Jokes for you to enjoy ! Share a joke with someone

Halloween Adults Jokes

Captain Ghost
And all his crew,
Let me crack
A joke on you!

Like all other occasions, Halloween also has its fair share of jokes and jesting. Here we have some really cool Halloween jokes for you. Enjoy these witty one-liners and share them with your friends in WhatsApp, Facebook, Twitter etc. If Captain Ghost makes a visit, don’t be scared. Share these with him. He’ll love it too.

Here are some happy Halloween Jokes for you. Hope you will like them.

 

Here are some happy Halloween Jokes for you. Hope you will like them.

Why do skeletons have low self-esteem?
They have no body to love

Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the Boos.

Halloween Adults Jokes

The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it. What is it?
A coffin.

What do you call a witch’s garage?
broom closet.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Why don’t mummies take time off?
They’re afraid to unwind.

Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
Because he had bat breath

What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite.

Halloween Adults Jokes

What is an optimistic vampire’s favorite drink?
B Positive.

Halloween Adults Jokes

What are ghosts’ favourite streets?
Dead ends

Who are some of the were-wolves cousins?
The What-wolves and the When-wolves.

Halloween Adults Jokes

What happens when two vampires meet?
It’s love at first bite!

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. HAHAHA!!
What happens when you say boo to a ghost? He gets SHEET Scared.

Halloween Adults Jokes

What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
You suck.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Why dont mummies go on vacation?
They are afraid they might unwind.

What did one ghost say to the other?
Get a life!

Where do they make werewolf movies?
In Howlywood!

Halloween Adults Jokes

When do werewolves go trick or treating?
Howl-o-ween!

How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down!

Halloween Adults Jokes

Where do werewolves hate to shop?
Flea markets!

I see dracula has been rearranging furniture with his teeth. He is doing a bit of fang-shui
I woke up on the middle of the night. Some ghost was standing over my bed. Before I could scream, he asked, “What’s your wifi password?”

Halloween Adults Jokes

Dracula wanted to know which of his bats was the best. So he organized a little competition. The bat which would drink more blood in less time than others would be the winner.
The first bat went and came back after 10 minutes. Its mouth was full of blood. Dracula was impressed. He asked, “Nice, how did you do it?” The bat said, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went inside and drank the blood of all the family.” Dracula said, “Very good”.

Halloween Adults Jokes
The second bat went and came back after 5 minutes. He too had blood on all his face. Dracula was shocked, “How did you do that?” The bat said, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a hotel. I went inside and drank the blood of all the guests.” Dracula said, “Fantastic”.
Now the third bat went and came back just after 1 minute. There was blood on all his body. Dracula couldn’tbelieve his eyes, “How did you do that?” The bat said, “Do you see that tower?” Dracula said, “Yes”. And the bat said, “I didn’t see it”.

Halloween Adults Jokes

A woman was leaving a cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?” The woman replied, “Well, that first hearse is for my husband.” “What happened to him?” The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.” She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?” The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.” A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. “Can I borrow the dog?” “Get in line!”

Halloween Adults Jokes

Halloween Adults Jokes

Did you hear about the chopper that crashed in the cemetery? Search and rescue workers have recovered 100 bodies and expect that number to climb as digging continues.

The cemetery up the hill is really popular. People are dying to get in.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.” The man replies, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then dresses like a pumpkin and sits on Boss’ desk. The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?” The

Halloween Adults Jokes

woman replies, “I’m a jack-o-lantern.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where do you think YOU are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

Halloween Adults Jokes

What happened to Frankenstein’s monster on the road?
He was stopped for speeding, fined $50 and dismantled for six months.

How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?
If it’s a good one you will be able to talk about it later!

Halloween Adults Jokes

How do you communicate with the Loch Ness Monster?
Drop him a line.

How do you address a monster?
Very politely.

Bill: Why did the policeman ticket the ghost?
McKenzie: Why?
Bill: It didn’t have a haunting license.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Brett: What do mummies like listening to on Halloween?
Brent: I don’t know.
Brett: Wrap music!

Halloween Adults Jokes

Sarah: What are a ghost’s favorite rides at the fair?
Brian: Tell me.
Sarah: The scary-go-round and rollerghoster!

Halloween Adults Jokes

Everett: What’s a ghoul’s favorite game?
Francisco: What?
Everett: Hide-and-ghost-seek.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Q: What directions did the ghost give the goblin?
A: “Make a fright turn at the corner.”

Joshua: What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Belia: What?
Joshua: Bamboo.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Aidan: What is a ghost’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Taylor: What?
Aidan: Boo and Gold.
Aidan: What is a witch’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Taylor: I give up.
Aidan: Brew and Gold.
Aidan: What is a werewolf’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Taylor: What?
Aidan: Pack meetings, of course!

Halloween Adults Jokes

Doctor: Who’s my next patient?
Nurse: Mr. Ghost.
Doctor: Tell him I can’t see right now.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Once, there were 2 guys sitting in a living room. One man says to the other,
“I would rather live with a vampire than my wife!”
and the other man says “Why?” He says,
“Because she’s always trying to bite my head off!”

Halloween Adults Jokes

The angry female ghost seems to state, “I’ve had it! In the middle of the night he turns on the television,
moves things from one place to another, and makes weird noises.”
Funny, nay? By the way, how did I realise who’s a female ghost? Well,
simply look out for the most adorable eyelashes ever.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Bruce: What is a vampire’s favorite dance?
Kevin: I don’t know. What?
Bruce: The Fang-Dango.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Max: What are a ghost’s favorite rides at the fair?
Bill: Tell me.
Max: The scary-go-round and rollerghoster!

A ghost had been staying in a bed and breakfast hotel and when he came down for dinner he asked the waitress, “Please can I have two eggs, one tough and one rubbery, really tough bacon and burned, fried bread?”
The waitress said, “Sir, we really can’t serve that kind of horrid food here.”
The ghost replied, “Well, you did yesterday!”

Halloween Adults Jokes

Patient: Doctor, I think that I’ve been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.¬
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.

Halloween Adults Jokes

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost as they
drove down the street?
Buckle your sheet belt!

Race: Why don’t ghosts like rain on Halloween?
Harvey: Why?
Race: It dampens their spirits!

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap -tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. “Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?” “Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”

Halloween Adults Jokes

Q: Why are vampires tough to get along with?
A: Because they can be pains in the neck!
Q: What do you call a single vampire?
A: A bat-chelor.

Halloween Adults Jokes
Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have a kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

Halloween Adults Jokes
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, “Great Keith Richard’s mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or …” and can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives/ex-husbands live.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. “And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?”
The first vampire said, “I’ll have a mug of blood.” The second vampire said, “I’ll have a mug of blood.” The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, “I’ll have a glass of plasma.”
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, “Two bloods and a blood light”.

Halloween Adults Jokes

woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

Halloween Adults Jokes
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I’m the Devil!” she responded.
“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister!”

Halloween Adults Jokes

Q: What did the really ugly man do for a living?
A: He posed for Halloween masks!

Halloween Adults Jokes

Q: What is a childs’s favourite type of Halloween candy?
A: Lots a candy!

Halloween Adults Jokes

A few days after Halloween, Sally came home with a bad report card. Her mother asked why her grades were so low.
Sally answered, “Because everything is marked down after holidays!”

Q: What do ghosts eat for breakfast on Halloween?
A: Shrouded Wheat. Ghost Toasties. Scream of Wheat. Terr-fried eggs. Rice Creepies.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie body home?

Halloween Adults Jokes

Peter: Do you like the vampire?
Jack: Yes, it was love at first bite!

Q: Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
A: In a blood bank.

Halloween Adults Jokes

 

David: Which ghost is the best dancer?
Joseph: I don’t know.
David: The Boogie Man!

Halloween Adults Jokes

Q: How do monsters tell their future?
A: They read their horrorscope.

Two monsters went to a party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”
“Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”
Halloween Adults Jokes

The young ghost went trick or treating.
A nighbor asked her, “Who are your parents?”
“Deady and Mummy,” she answered.

Halloween Adults Jokes

Martin: What is a ghost’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Bryan: What?
Martin: Boo and Gold.
Martin: What is a witch’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Bryan: I give up.
Martin: Brew and Gold.
Martin: What is a werewolf’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Bryan: What?
Martin: Pack meetings, of course!

Q: What do call the ratio of a jack-o-lantern’s circumference to it’s diameter?
A: Pumpkin π.

Halloween Adults Jokes
Halloween Adults Jokes

Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
A: Hope it’s Halloween…

Halloween Adults Jokes

Q: What do call the ratio of a jack-o-lantern’s circumference to it’s diameter?
A: Pumpkin π.

Q: What did the daddy ghost say to his son?
A: Don’t spook until spooken to!

Halloween Adults Jokes

Advic to a witch on a broomstick: “Don’t fly off the handle!”
Halloween Adults Jokes

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Bea.
Bea who?
Bea-ware, tonight is Halloween!

Halloween Adults Jokes

On the morning of Halloween, the teacher told the class, “We’ll have only half a day of school this morning.”
The children cheered.
Then she said, “And we’ll have the second half this afternoon.”
This time the children moaned!

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Halloween Adults Jokes

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Halloween Adults Jokes

Halloween Adults Jokes

Halloween Adults Jokes

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Halloween Adults Jokes

Halloween Adults Jokes

Halloween Adults Jokes

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Halloween Adults Jokes

Halloween Adults Jokes

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Halloween Adults Jokes

Halloween Adults Jokes

 

Best and Top 10 Halloween Humors

Chiseling with Fear

Halloween Humors  guys were walking home after a Halloween celebration and
decided to take a shortcut via the cemetery only for
laughs. proper in the middle of the cemetery, they have been
startled through a faucet-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty
shadows.

Halloween Humors

Trembling with worry, they observed an vintage guy with a hammer and
chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

“Holy cow, Mister,” one in every of them said after catching his
breath. “You scared us 1/2 to demise — we idea you have been a
ghost! What are you doing running here so late at night?”

“My family are such fools!” the antique guy grumbled. “They misspelled my
name and here I should correct it!”

Halloween Humors

A Cabbie & A Nun

Halloween Humors

A cabbie selections up a nun. She receives into the cab, and the cab driver may not prevent gazing her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, “i’ve a question to ask you but I don’t need to offend you.
She solutions, ‘My expensive son, you can’t offend me. whilst you’re as antique as i am and had been a nun an extended as i have, you get a danger to look and listen just about everything. i’m sure that there is nothing you may say or ask that i would find offensive.”
“nicely, i have constantly had a myth to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “well, let’s see what we will do approximately that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you should be Catholic.”

Halloween Humors
The cab motive force is very excited and says, “sure, i’m single and i’m Catholic too!”
The nun says “good enough, pull into the following alley.”
He does and the nun fulfills his fable.
but once they get again on the street, the cab motive force starts crying. “My expensive baby, stated the nun, why are you crying?”
“Forgive me sister, but i’ve sinned. I lied, I must confess, i’m married and i’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “this is adequate, i am on my manner to a Halloween celebration my outfit is just an antique habit.”

Halloween Humors

Two Nuns and a Mini Dracula

Halloween Humors

two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are journeying through Europe of their automobile, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they’re stopped at a site visitors light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the auto and hisses at them via the windshield.

“short, quick!” shouts Sister Mary Agnes, “What have to we do?”

“flip the windshield wipers on. that will remove the abomination,” says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches at the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula round. but, he hangs on and maintains hissing at the nuns. “What shall I do now?” she shouts.
Halloween Humors

“strive the windshield washing machine. I crammed it with holy water before we left the Vatican,” replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes activates the windshield washer. The vampire screams because the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

“show him your cross,” says Sister Mary Vincent.

“Now you are speakme,” says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, “Get the hell off our car!”

Halloween Humors

Just in case you have forgotten the rules for a safe and Happy Halloween! 

Halloween Humors

 

1.  When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

2.   Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Halloween Humors

3.   Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone  out.
Halloween Humors
4.   If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language  which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save  you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several  rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak  with somebody else’s voice.
Halloween Humors
5.   When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it  alone.

6.   As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to  Hell.
Halloween Humors

Halloween Humors
7.   Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This  would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8.   If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and  find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

Halloween Humors

9.   If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!

10.   Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11.   If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a  good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.
Halloween Humors
12.   Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure  you know what you’re doing.

13.   If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall  down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are  running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

Halloween Humors

14.   If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15.   Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
Halloween Humors
16.   If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not  go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

Halloween Humors

17.   Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
Halloween Humors
18.   If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.

19.  If you find that:
a. your house is built upon or near a cemetery,
b. was once a church that was used for black masses,
c. had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or
d. had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house,
MOVE AWAY 
Immediately

Halloween Humors

 20.  Don’t fool with recombination DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

Halloween Humors

Also Visit

Halloween Humors

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Halloween Humors

Halloween Humors

Halloween Day Special 2018 !!!!

Halloween Humors

Halloween Humors

Famous Halloween Poems 2018

Halloween Humors

Halloween Humors

Halloween Quotes and Sayings 2018

Halloween Humors

 

Dirty Halloween Jokes Ever Which Will Make You WET!

Dirty Halloween Jokes

An antique couple who hadn’t celebrated Halloween in a long term decided to dress up and exit.

The old lady went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

whilst she got here out, the old man cried, “You cannot go out like that!”

She stated, “i will cross anyway i love and so can you.”

Dirty Halloween Jokes

Whereupon he retired to the bed room and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.

The antique lady says, you’re going out like that?”

And he replies, “Yep, if you can pass as a sour-puss, i will pass as a dick-tator.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

halloween decorations

Dirty Halloween Jokes

A bald guy with a wood leg receives invited to a Halloween birthday party. He makes a decision that he would like to wear a costume that conceals his slightly extraordinary look, but cannot consider any costumes that would appearance proper and do the activity. Out of ideas, he writes a be aware to a fancy dress company explaining his difficulty. some days later a package deal arrives with a be aware:

pricey Sir,

Please locate enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, together with your wood leg, you may be just right as a pirate.

Very absolutely yours,
Acme dress Co.

the person thinks this is a horrible concept due to the fact they have emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of grievance. per week goes through and he gets every other parcel and a observe, which says:

dear Sir,

Please locate enclosed a monk’s dress. The lengthy gown will cover your wood leg and, together with your bald head, you will really appearance the part.

Very absolutely yours,
Acme costume Co.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

Now the person is truly disenchanted due to the fact they’ve long past from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. So again he writes the company another nasty letter of grievance.

the next day he gets a small parcel and a word, which reads:

pricey Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on beaten nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and cross as a caramel apple.

Very in reality yours,
Acme costume Co.
by: Nevamya on 04/29/2012 31
A cabbie selections up a nun. She receives into the cab, and the cab motive force might not forestall watching her.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “i have a query to ask you, however I do not need to offend you”.

She solutions, “My son, you cannot offend me. when you’re as antique as i am and were a nun as long as i’ve, you get a risk to look and pay attention just about the entirety. i am sure that there is not anything you could say or ask that i’d discover offensive.”

Dirty Halloween Jokes

“well, i have continually had a delusion to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “properly, let’s examine what we can do approximately that. but first, you need to be single and also you have to be Catholic.”

The cab driver may be very excited and says, “sure, i am unmarried and Catholic!”

Dirty Halloween Jokes

“ok” the nun says. “Pull into the subsequent alley, “perhaps we can see what we are able to do.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. but when they get again on the road, the cab driving force begins crying.

“My pricey toddler,” stated the nun, why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but i’ve sinned. I lied. I have to confess, i’m married and i’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “that’s ok, my call is Kevin and i’m going to a Halloween party.”

Dirty Halloween Jokes

10 matters That Sound dirty On Halloween, but are not…

1. So…What’d you get in the sack?

2. once you get underneath the sheet, begin moaning and groaning!!!

Dirty Halloween Jokes

3. just hop on that broomstick and experience it!

4. those small suckers are long gone in some licks!

5. I got the pleasant piece from that house.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

6. stop screwing around on the porch!!!

7. Stick your hand in and bet what you are feeling….

eight. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use two palms!!

9. they may suck you dry in the event that they get their tooth in you.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn’t get my mouth around it!

a couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween celebration. The spouse got here down with a terrible headache and advised her husband to visit the birthday celebration by myself.

He, being a committed husband, protested, however she argued and said that she become going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and that there was no need to have his properly time being spoiled by now not going. So he took his dress and away he went.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

The wife, after napping soundly for one hour, awoke without problems. because it became still early, she determined to visit the celebration.

realizing that her husband did not understand what her dress changed into, she thought she might have a few a laugh with the aid of looking her husband to peer how he acted while she turned into now not round.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

She joined the celebration and soon noticed her husband cavorting round on the dance ground, dancing with each lady he could find and copping a touch sense right here and a touch kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a instead horny babe herself, her husband left his cutting-edge

Dirty Halloween Jokes

associate high and dry and grabbed the spouse by using hand and began to bounce along with her, closely. just to look how some distance she ought to take it, she made positive not to hesitate even slightly each time he made any advances.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

ultimately, he whispered a bit proposition in her ear and she or he agreed. So off they went to move have a touch fun in one of the darkish deserted rooms.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

simply earlier than unmasking in the dead of night, she slipped away and went home and put the gown away and were given into mattress thinking what kind of clarification her husband would make for his behavior. She became sitting up reading when he came in and asked what sort of a time he had.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

He said “Oh, the equal vintage issue. you already know I in no way have a great time when you’re now not there.” Then she asked if he danced a lot. He stated, “I in no way danced as soon as. Pete, invoice and that i went into the den and performed poker all night time. however the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real accurate time!”

Dirty Halloween Jokes

halloween decorations

Dirty Halloween Jokes

1. while you get pulled over, say “what’s incorrect, ossifer, there may be no blood in my alcohol?”

2. while he asks why you had been dashing, tell him you wanted to race.

three. when he talks to you, fake you are deaf.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

four. If he asks in case you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer best is going to……

Dirty Halloween Jokes

5. Ask if you can see his gun.

6. contact him.

7. while he asks why you were rushing, inform him you had to buy a hat.

8. Ask him in which he sold his cool hat.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

9. confer with him by means of his first call.

10. pretend you’re homosexual and ask him out.

11. while he says no, cry.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

12. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

thirteen. If the cop is a woman, tell her how unsightly she is, however in a pleasant manner.

14. If he asks you to step out of the auto, robotically throw your self at the hood.

15. Ask to be fingerprinted with sweet, cause you don’t like ink to your arms.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

16. after you signal the ticket and deliver it to him, say “Oops! it really is the wrong call.”

17. Bribe him with donuts, and whilst he concurs, tell him sorry, I just ate the remaining one.

18. while he comes up to the car, say “License and registration, please” proper when he says it.

19. while he is going to examine you your rights, sing “l. a. l. a. la, I can not hear you!”

Dirty Halloween Jokes

20. experience and fall into him.

21. Accuse him of police brutality whilst he pushes you away.

22. earlier than you sign the price tag, pick out your nostril. you have to signal along with his pen.

23. chunk at the pen, nervously.

24. smooth your ear with the pen.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

25. If it is a click on pen, take it aside and play with the spring.

26. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says sure, say I idea the name sounded familiar…..

27. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing turned into.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

28. Act like you are retarded.

29. while he’s telling you what you probably did incorrect, start repeating him, quietly.

30. Mumble to yourself.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

31. while he tells you to forestall, say what are you talkin approximately, DUDE?

32. force to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm….handiest five of you here this night…….

33. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

34. whilst he involves the automobile, say i have a badge just like yours!

Dirty Halloween Jokes

35. Ask if he watches police officers.

36. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

37. snort if he did.

38. talk for your hand.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

39. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her 5 favorite pals.

forty. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.

forty one. whilst he asks to investigate your vehicle, say there may be no alcohol in my vehicle, sir, the last cop got it.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

forty two. try to sell him your vehicle.

43. Ask if you may purchase his automobile.

44. If he is taking you to the station, Ask to take a seat in the front.

forty five. Play with the siren.

Dirty Halloween Jokes

forty six. If there’s someone else in the vehicle, communicate to each different in tongues.

forty seven. whilst he acts pressured, maintain talking, have a look at him and laugh.

forty eight. while you are within the lower back, touch his neck via the fencing.

49. flip your head and whistle.

50. If he sticks you within the again of the auto, cower inside the nook, suck your thumb, and whine.

fifty one. Stare at his lighting and say “look at the quite colorings!”

fifty two. inform him you like guys in uniform.

fifty three. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween celebration

Dirty Halloween Jokes

 

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Dirty Halloween Jokes

 

Best Ever French Halloween Jokes

French Halloween Jokes

french halloween jokes

despite the fact that the French have in more latest instances embraced a number of the Halloween tradition, it’s real that this day is commonly idea of as specifically a phenomenon of the British Isles and North the usa. Of course the thirty first of October and the 1st of November have spiritual significance as Hallowed Eve before All Saints Day, but whilst we say Halloween we are generally contemplating pumpkins, costumes, trick or treating and spooky matters. I were given loads of laughs from these Halloween jokes in French and desire you do, too.

French Halloween Jokes

Il y a 2 000 ans les Celtes fêtaient la nouvelle année le 1er novembre.  Ils croyaient que fantômes et sorcières se promenaient sur terre le soir du 31 octobre. Terrifiés par tous cesesprits ils se mirent à se déguiser pour ne pas être reconnus. Les Romains arrivèrent avec leurs traditions,pour eux le 1er novembre s’appelait All Hallows’ day (All Saints’ Day).

French Halloween Jokes

La veille du 1er novembre devint All Hallows’ Eve (la veille de la Toussaint) puis Halloween.

Halloween fut importée en Amérique au milieu du XIXème siècle par des émigrés irlandais (fuyant la famine),ainsi que par des Gallois et des Ecossais.

French Halloween Jokes

Voici quelques idées amusantes:

Mettez une blague dans la boîte à lunch de votre enfant tous les jours. Si vous leur offrez aussi une collation, faites-leur une blague.
Faites une chasse au trésor à la blague. Écrivez des blagues sur de petits morceaux de papier et collez-les sur les objets figurant sur la liste de chasse au trésor.
Racontez les blagues à des trucs ou à des traiteurs à votre porte – vous pouvez même leur donner un morceau de bonbons s’ils obtiennent la réponse correcte.
Si vous organisez une fête, demandez aux enfants de raconter une blague au groupe. Cela peut être hilarant de voir des enfants faire des blagues!
Faire des biscuits de fortune et mettre une blague dans chacun sur un petit bout de papier.

French Halloween Jokes

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French Halloween Jokes

 

 

Halloween jokes for adults 2018 !!!!!

Halloween jokes for adults is a great celebration night for the kids, but there’s no reason that they have to be the only ones to have fun.

With that in mind, here is a collection of funny Halloween jokes for adults to make your Halloween night one filled with laughter.

Enjoy these Halloween jokes…

source : http://laffgaff.com/funny-halloween-jokes-for-adults/

With that in mind, here is a collection of funny Halloween jokes for adults to make your Halloween night one filled with laughter.

Enjoy these Halloween jokes…

Halloween jokes for adults

I threw a boomerang at a ghost the other day.

I knew it would come back to haunt me.

Halloween jokes for adults


I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween that in the end I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn’t in.

Forget the ships. My lighthouse, my rules…

Halloween jokes for adults


I’m not saying my wife is ugly…

but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.


A young boy knocked on my door on Halloween night and said, “Trick or treat?”

I looked at him and asked, “What have you come as?”

He said,    “A werewolf.”

I said, “But you’re not wearing a costume. You’ve just got your normal clothes on.”

He said, “Yeah well, it’s not a full moon yet, is it?”

Halloween jokes for adults


A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her. So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, “I have a question I need to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”

The nun replies,     “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

Halloween jokes for adults

The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, “Well it’s like this; I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me.”

Halloween jokes for adults

The nun replies, “Ok well, let’s see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though – firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, yes! I am single and I’m Catholic too!”

The nun then says, “Ok then, pull into the next alley.”

Halloween jokes for adults

The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry.

The nun sees this and asks him, “My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?”

Halloween jokes for adults

The cab driver says, “You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you – I must confess that I’m married and I’m also Jewish.”

The nun laughs and says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”

Halloween jokes for adults


I just popped over to my Grandma’s, and you’ve got to hand it to her. At 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer… I’ll pop back next year.

Halloween jokes for adults


Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her “What are you suppose to be?”

She said, “Puss in boots.”

So I went into the kitchen and  put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, “What are you suppose to be?”

I said, “If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator…”

Halloween jokes for adults

Halloween jokes for adults

My wife felt like she’d seen a new caring considerate side to me after I spent the day making treats for the Halloween callers yesterday.

I really hope they appreciated my home made toffee onions.

Halloween jokes for adults


I visited a real graveyard this Halloween…

I logged back in to Google Plus.

Halloween jokes for adults


I think it’s a real shame that today’s young people don’t even know why we really celebrate Halloween.

None of us would be here today if Jesus hadn’t slain that giant pumpkin.

Halloween jokes for adults


My favorite thing to do on Halloween is walk through the burns unit at the hospital and congratulate everyone on their Freddy Kruger costumes.


I’m going trick or treating with my mum tonight.

It’s the only time I can take her out as she’s been dead for ten years.


Halloween is easily the scariest night of the year, what with the dead rising from their graves…

and fat girls thinking they look sexy dressed as cats.

Halloween jokes for adults


Last Halloween there was a knock on the door. I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”

She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”

My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.

Halloween jokes for adults


How’s everyone holding up? It’s just crazy out there! I’ve killed 25 zombies so far! And why the hell are they all carrying candy?

Halloween jokes for adults


My wife said to me yesterday, “Honey, I think we should do something really scary for the kids this Halloween.”

I said, “Well, we could always take them to your mother’s.”

Halloween jokes for adults


The best part about Halloween is that the cobwebs in my house look like decorations.


I had a big row with my wife  last Halloween. I yelled at her, “When you finally die, I’m getting you a headstone that says, ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’.”

“Yeah well,” she shouted back, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that says, ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.'”

Halloween jokes for adults

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Halloween jokes for adults

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